Matthew Draws | IdiotsBooks (2024)

Matthew Draws 48

by Robbi | Jun 11, 2018 | Matthew Draws

Matthew Draws is back again!

It seems improbable that Matthew could keep churning these out while also confounding us week after week. Here’s his latest attempt, read ’em and weep. Or, really, just weep.

Matthew Draws 47: The Answers!

by Robbi | Jun 1, 2018 | Matthew Draws

Another batch of drawings calls for another batch of answers.

I gave you this:

And you tried, friends. You tried so hard. And some of you prevailed. But most of you did not.

This is not:

Lebron Janes
John Hamm
Charles Manson
Jason Momoa
Ben Affleck
Jimmy Kimmel
Jared Leto
Tim Curry
Willy-One-Ear
Liam Hemsworth
Prince Harry
Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords

Nor is it:

A hipster
The most interesting man in the world
Mandy Patinkin, but I only think it is him because I like saying his name almost as much as I like saying
Tony Shalhoub.
John Krasinski (although the hair had me thinking Coolio for a little bit)
One of the mean giants from the BFG.
Definitely someone who eats children.
Good god. I have no idea who this kind-eyed hirstute fellow could be.
Post Malone saying “Where are my grillz???”
Matthew Swanson pre-shaving mishap

Just one of you you guessed:

Donald Glover

And one other of you guessed:

Childish Gambino getting photobombed by a dragonfly

And both of you were right, because Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are THE VERY SAME PERSON. The very same person who I drew!

But there was no dragonfly. Whoever invoked the dragonfly that is not there should be very ashamed.

Next up was this human person (I swear!):

Wrong:

Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen
Morticia Addams
Is it an Olsen twin?
Helena Bonham Carter
Sheryl Crow
Keira Knightly
Brooke Shields
Megan Markle
Melania Drumpf
Professor Trelawny
Cher (this was a popular error)
Helena Bonham Carter? (this guesser lacked conviction)
Hermione Granger
Winona Rider

Wronger:

Scary Lady
Wife, from McMillan and Wife, a mystery show you probably have never seen.
Someone biblical
The Lady of the Lake from Camelot
Marie Antoinette after her beheading
A woman who has never been in my kitchen
Zombie Gwyneth Paltrow
Meryl Streep in… everything she’s ever done
A young Miss Havisham? This week’s selections are really something.
One of the Olsen twins? I mean they look horrible these days!

Cher (who was such a popular guess that she earned her own category):

Cher
A very scared Cher.
Cher. And I do NOT want to know what she has been up to.
Cher Jolie Madonna and/or Kiera Knightly

Which is to say that not one of you guessed Yoko Ono. (I can’t decide whether she would be extremely disappointed or deeply relieved.)

Moving on (because that’s what life does, however much you might prefer to sit here staring at my drawing of Yoko indefinitely)

Spoiler alert: Two of you got this right.

Those two of you did not guess:

Hillary
Barbara Bush
Julia Andrews
Lena Horne?
Older Ellen. Or maybe Barbara Bush (RIP).
Tammy Faye Bakker
Julia Child
Camilla Parker Bowles
Julie Andrews playing Julia Child
Doris
RBJ
Barbara Bush
Patsy Cline
The closest I can think of is Judy Dench
Phyllis Diller
Rue McClanahan
The Queen
Mrs. Doubtfire
I mean. Is it Tammy Faye Baker??
They don’t have to be living, right? Julia Child.
Julia Andrews?
Lady Elaine from Mr. Rogers’ land of make believe
My kids say this one looks like Cruella de Ville.
A Golden Girl?
Carol Burnett
Vampire Barbara Bush
My mother in law
Sarah Huckabee or random surprised republican

As for the two correct guesses:

Angela Lansbury
Jessica Fletcher, of Murder She Wrote. AKA Angela Lansbury (three points for comprehensiveness!)

And finally:

No! It is not Guy Fieri, though so many of you thought it was. I’d like to meet you halfway and say that I made certain Guy Fierre-like errors, but I much prefer to assume that you are collectively confused.

Nor is it:

The Weeknd
Sean Penn
Pacino
Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark.
Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend
A Baldwin
Ben Stiller?
Guy Fieri
Jim Cramer
Owen Wilson
Alan Cumming?????
That chef dude? Or could be Joey Fatone
Jeff Goldblum
Jason Priestley in a tux

And it certainly is not:

That guy
All the Baldwin brothers mashed together
The boy Kardashian
Slater from Saved by the Bell at his 20 year work anniversary for Chippendale’s
The waiter who will sip you a roofie after you decline to go cruising in his Camaro after dinner.
Random member of a 80’s-90’s era boy band. I think his name is Howie.
The FBI sketch of what the perv from 90210 probably looks like now.
Stanley Tucci in the Hunger Games, or one of my high school teachers
That guy from that show
One of those celebrity chefs whose name isn’t worth remembering.
Super Smize Me

Come on, people. How could not one of you have guessed the crystal clear likeness of James Franco?!?!?!

Robbi found a new survey platform for Matthew Draws, and this one allowed you to give me a star rating, a way for you to reach across the ether and reward me for my earnest efforts…and glittering talent. I will now review the results and report back to you what I have learned.

And what I learned is… you people gave me an average of 3.75 stars, which is pretty much akin to a B+.

I am passing the course!!!

I am reasonably close to an A.

I am validated!

I can draw!

I CAN DRAW.

YOU PEOPLE LIKE THE DRAWINGS THAT I MAKE!!!!

Or perhaps you people didn’t understand how star ratings are supposed to work?

In any case, it’s time for the bonus question, in which you answer a query from Robbi, which was:

If one of these people were to play a new Marvel character in a new summer blockbuster franchise, who would it be and what would their superhero name be?

First, let me remind you of our candidates:

As is always the case, you came through. You rose to the challenge.

Number one, because he would blind people with his incredibly white teeth
Mrs. Doubtfire burns down corrupt banker’s houses when she’s hired as a live-in nanny but can’t cook because it’s secretly the ghost of Robin Williams in drag and he never learned how to cook properly, either in this life or the next, because patriarchy.
Guy Guerre: The Fry Guy!
They would all be members of the Superb Friends Just-Us League! Their super powers include being nice to each other and undressing people in their minds, which makes them also very good at public speaking.
Lena Horne. Except she’s no longer with us. But maybe her superpower is that she can come back from the dead and then sing people to sleep
2nd One, she confuses you to death with her eyes. Which one is looking at you? No one knows.
#4, because he can make a mean burger. If that’s not a superpower, I don’t know what is.
Julie Andrews as Julia Child as the new Marvel superhero Coco Vin. The power to make kale taste good.
#1, Captain Chompers
#1, and his name is Smiley
Woman w/ the long, wavy hair. Her superhero(-ine) name would be The Bedraggler, & her superpower would be, like a muggy summer’s day, to render supervillains’ hair totally unmanageable, thereby foiling their plans for world domination/destruction.
Just no. Alright fine, the beard, he would be The Beard. His superpower is warming his own face in winter.
The waiter. The Big Sleaze. Powers include: never tiring after countless rebuffs, inexhaustible supply of cheesy pickup lines, and perma Axe Body Spray scent.
Guy Fieri, clearly. Donkey Sauce Man. His superpower is scaring off aliens with his highly inferior cooking.
The first lady. She is scary, so while she would be no superhero, her talents as a villain would be amazing-especially using that death-defying hair that is lava to the touch. Burn baby burn
Third one. Unimpressed. She shoots withering looks of contempt and disappointment.
Post Malone, who has the super power of randomly surprising republicans (when he dons his grillz o’ power)
Definitely the lady in pearls. She’d be the commissioner’s wife who’s secretly in cahoots (and in love) with the villain. Her name would be vaguely European, like Giselle or Margox. Her only superpowers are business savvy and an ability to subsist on nothing but white wine.

And, as a special bonus this week, I bring you a sneak peek of the opening salvo of the Matthew Draws sitcom pilot being written by our friend and Canadian, Morgan Murray.

I think smell a hit.

Or is it something else?

Matthew Draws 47

by Robbi | May 29, 2018 | Matthew Draws

Here we go again!

Now that you’ve all had enough time to recover from last week’s Mark Zuckerberg debacle, Matthew’s whipped up a fresh batch of Whatthewhuh for you to sink your teeth into.
Enjoy! Or… don’t enjoy! The drawings will be equally inscrutable either way!

Matthew Draws 45 – The Answers

by Robbi | Jun 15, 2016 | Matthew Draws

People, I am in a hurry. We leave for Alaska in ten days. I have 20 days worth of things to do. Forgive the brevity, but I know all you want is the eye candy, anyway.

This…

…is not

Al Gore
Dan Rather?
Howard Cosell (on a good day)
Ronald Reagan!
Jerry Orbach
Marc Albert
Howard Cosell
George W Bush
Howard Cosell
Ross Perot. Purely by the ears.
John Boehner
This is Howard Cosell.
I rather think this is Dan Rather
Ronald Regan? He has a 1970’s newscaster vibe too.
One of the Bushes . . . with a sagging chin
Please let this newscaster know that is face is melting (can’t think of his name!)

A good many of you guessed Reagan.This is not Reagan. It is not even “Ronald Reagan if he had been an unsuccessful boxer,” though that answer delights me.

No, as three of you people correctly guessed, this is Ted Cruz.

In retrospect, this drawing is unfair.

And yet, Matthew Draws is not about fairness. It is about truth. This is a true drawing by me. Of who?

I really hate to say this, but Michelle Obama? Sorry Michelle!
Blossom all grown up?
Loretta Lynch
Oh wow a penny for her thoughts.
I have no idea but I am very afraid.
Serena Williams
Dennis Rodman Hillary Rodham Clinton
You know that toy that’s a plastic man’s face and you put your fingers in the back and move them around to make him make terrible faces? This is his wife.
No idea
Audra McDonald?
Condoleeza Rice
An unflattering Donna Brazile
I totally know who this is.
Sandra Burhhart or whatever her name is. She’s so annoying
Stumped. No idea.
eeek. she looks mean. My 7th grade Home Ec teacher?
Cruella De Ville
?!
Toni Morrison
Snarl-mouth Scribble-hair. No freakin’ clue, dude.
I think it’s a woman – Condi Rice??
Ivana Drumpf
No, it’s not bad. It’s terrible. Or I am.
Sandra Bernhard
Dunno, but she’s fierce!
Oh gosh . . . I’m going to name her Leona.

Here’s the thing people, the worse I draw, the better your answers are. So where’s my incentive to improve?

Exactly zero % of you correctly guessed that I was drawing Judy Garland.

And here is a drawing I’m really rather proud of. But will that matter?

Let’s see.

Lazy Eye Lena Dunham
Monica “lip sperm” Lewinsky
Amy poehler
She’s so cute but I’ve no idea whatsoever.
Monica Lewinsky
Drew Barrymore (& Harvey the Invisible Rabbit to her left)
Frances Bean Cobain
Monica Lewinsky
Kylie Jenner
Jenna Bush
Lena Dunham?
Amanda Bynes
What the f*ck happened here?
Jojo the Bachelorette?
Drew Barrymore. At a hypnotist show.
Caitlyn Jenner/this doll when it grows up: s://www.flickr.com/photos/starling67/4837784855
Tina Fey
Maria Bamford
Um…Anna Farris with uncharacteristically voluminous hair?
Definitely a woman. Amanda Seyfried.
Ann Hathaway
Hello. It’s me. I was wondering if after all these years you’d get to drawing me. -Adele
maybe Cecily Strong?
Maisie Williams? Maybe Adele?
Honestly, I have no idea, but she needs an optometrist.

Darn it, people. Again, you delight me. Again, we failed to understand one another. This person is none other than Mindy Kaling.

Which brings us to #4. We have an opportunity to tie things up with a little understanding or to have this go down as one of the least successful Matthew Draws of all time (depending, I suppose, on your definition of “success.”

Oh! It’s that guy that plays guitar or something! What’s up with his forehead? Is he okay???
Kris Kristopherson
Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Someone suffering, someone pretending to be Van Gogh, a cross between Ryan Gosling and Tom Waits with a beard.
Ethan Hawke
Charles Bukowski (in need of a drink)
A hirsute waiter who just got a sh*tty tip?
Huh
Bearded, angry Brad Pitt? Bearded snarky Conan?
Clint Eastwood
Conan O’Brien
Sean Maguire
Werewolf Jack
Van Gogh
David Bowie. With a beard and a dapper tie. OR Richard Branson.
Lyle Lovett experimenting with facial hair
Brad Pitt
Fernando Castillo Saavedra in “Destinos: An Introduction to Spanish”
Ed Burns. No doubt.
Gordon Lightfoot when his music career ended, and he had to cut his hair and work in an office.
Jeff Foxworthy
Conan the Barbarian. I mean O’Brien.
Jon Stewart
Scott Green…I think.
I feel like I should know this one. I’m sorry.

I am sorry, too, my friends. And so is Benicio Del Toro, who wishes in vain that I had never heard of him and thus, never felt compelled to conjure his likeness.

My star rating this time around? 3.25. Which is, on one hand, awful. But which is, on another hand, a stunning success, given that out of all the answers issued on ALL FOUR OF MY DRAWINGS, only three of you were correct and a full of these resulted in zero correct guesses. Which leads me to believe your mediocre (as opposed to abysmal) ratings of my prowess suggest some glimmers of enjoyment of my drawings, if not recognition of my subjects.

And now for the BONUS QUESTION (cue mirror balland “Take My Breath Away”).

If you were lost in the woods and had to skin a squirrel to eat with one of these people, who would it be and why?

Nobody looks like they could actually skin a squirrel, but I’ll go with number three because she looks like she actually might enjoy eating one.
The last guy because he’s insane and would have the know-how to take down and skin something much bigger than a squirrel.
Ethan Hawke looks pretty much like a scraggley wood squirrel, so I expect any such creature might mistake him for a long-lost cousin, so the capture would be quick and easy. And since he doesn’t look like he eats much, I wouldn’t go hungry.
Howard Cosell, since he’d provide the best color commentary throughout the process: “And now the squirrel’s cautiously approaching the trap. Step by stuttering step he inches ever closer, oblivious to the hideous fate awaiting him. But what’s this? He stands erect, alert, seemingly cognizant of an alarming presence, a dangerous predator, or simply a droning, nasal, self-important voice. Oh, yeah, guess that WAS me who scared him away. Sorry…
Obviously, the squirrel would have surrendered himself so The Gipper could eat. And obviously, I’d dine with him and ask him if he could get me into Canada or Switzerland if I needed to go expat on the fly.
Either of the two on the far right. They look like they could kill a rabbit with their bare teeth.
“Ted Cruz — have you seen him cook bacon on a machine gun? This guy would do all the work, and make it a point of pride to be sure we were fed and then rescued. Also, he’s the most likely to go get help, leaving me blissfully alone in nature to enjoy my roast squirrel.
If I were sure about who #4 was, I might pick him. He’s certainly more attractive, and with the beard I’d likely appreciate his politics more. But I can’t be sure of his squirrel-skinning skills. “
Clint. He seems like he knows his way around a squirrel.
Would Lena Dunham eat squirrel?
Werewolf Jack. Because he’s a good hunter
Since I only have Reagan, Jojo the Bachelorette and Van Gogh to work with here, it’s really a toss-up.
The third person because it looks like she could be easily distracted so I could get more squirrel meat for myself.
Cruella De Ville—because this isn’t her first animal-skinning rodeo. We catch the squirrel with some acorns under a box partially held open with a stick that has a string tied to it. Squirrel goes in, we yank the string, Cruella Goes to work. Duh.
#3 because her lazy eye would distract me from the fact I was eating a squirrel
The guy from Destinos so I could practice my Spanish.
Ed Burns seems like a resourceful chap. Assuming that # 4 is, indeed, Ed Burns.
Definitely Gordon Lightfoot. He’s Canadian, and I feel as though they naturally would have squirrel capturing skills. It’s simply part of their north country upbringing.
The squirrel would have been making a nest in Conan’s beard. He’d probably make the whole squirrel eating experience tolerably funny
Sandra Bernhard certainly seems the most capable of rage hunting, that’s for sure. But Dan Rather would be fascinating. Jon Stewart would be the best company BY FAR, but I’m pretty sure we’d have to survive on berries. In terms of how I’d capture the squirrel, I would employ my usual one-two punch of interpretive dance and hypnosis. It might get weird.
The last guy who I think is Scott Green is looking pretty were-wolfy (is he reliving his Buffy days?), so I would share the squirrel in hopes he wouldn’t eat me when he transforms.
Number 2 looks like she’d be a fair hand at squirrel-nabbing. She’d just stand there and stare it down, and while it was frozen, hypnotized, in her gaze, I’d grab it from behind. Then I would, of course, let her do all the squirrel-skinning; not really my thing, you understand. I can make a decent squirrel stew though.

People, you delight me. These answers made my day. Thank you for riding this rickety coaster with me. I say we press on.

There will be a brief hiatus on the Matthew Draws front, as I am soon to depart for the rapidly melting permafrost. In the mean time, know that you are loved.

Matthew Draws 45

by Robbi | Jun 8, 2016 | Matthew Draws

So here we go again. I can’t tell if the problem this week is whether Matthew chose to draw people completely unfamiliar to me, or whether he’s done a really terrible job drawing people I really ought to recognize.

Either way, he fully deserves the blame.

Have a gander:

Matthew Draws 44 – The Answers

by Matthew | Jun 6, 2016 | Matthew Draws

Yes, yes,I know I’m late in posting this post. You have told me. I have heard you. Apologies and so on. I am full of excuses but will keep them to myself. Let’s just begin. Right now.

I drew this person.

And most of youpeople were convinced, with all your hearts, that I drew Louis C.K. A few of you offered pleasing praise (or is it better described as shock?).

Louis CK in the house!
LOUIS! LOUIS! LOUIS!
Louis C.K.! It’s Louis C.K.!
Louis CK… I’m certain of it. Well done!
Louis C.K. with the slightest hint of Walter White.
Louis C.K. – how is that even a last name? Can I change my last name to 7.8. ?
Louis CK or that guy that’s always at the Royal Farms.
Either Louis CK or Louis XIV without his wig

There were a few dissenting opinions:

George Carlin
Paul Giamatti
Bryan Cranston
James Gandolfini
Richard Karn
James Lipton

But the most of you had it in a landslide.

Here’s where things got entirely murky.

I drew this person.

So many of you seemed so confident in your guesses.

There was a cluster of support for Katie Couric including “Katie Couric … Channeling Martha Stewart,” and “Katie Couric in a shampoo ad”. A number of you agreed that it must be Jennifer Aniston.

And then there were a bunch of one-offs.

(Unbreakable) Ellie Kemper!
Meredith Vieira
Nancy McKeon from The Facts of Life
Chew baca Mom
Hoda Kotb. Or not.
Bette Midler
Young Joan Rivers
Matthew’s mom
Renee Zellweger
Joy Behar
Amy Schumer
Mayim Bialik
It looks like a love child of Jennifer Anniston and Julia Louis Dreyfus?
Loretta Switt
The twinkle in the eye tells me its Jennifer Aniston.
Wow, she looks nice though!
Chelsea Handler
Rita Wilson
Kelly Ripa

One of you thought I’d drawn a man. Really?

George Zimmerman

But none of you, NONE of you figured out that I was trying to draw (obviously!) Neve Campbell.

Next up…

Again, there was little consensus. The sheer array of answers was delightful.

With that jawline, it has to be Anjelia Huston!
Iggy Pop
Russel Brand on a serious day
Bill Nighy
It’s not Patti Smith, but I wish it was.
Yikes! Uh, um, ???
Iggy pop after a big meal
Mrs. Bruce (my vaguely racist grade-school music teacher)
Lily Tomlin
Hillary Clinton
If it weren’t for the strong chin, I’d say Meryl Streep. Maybe if she morphed with Voldemort’s snake, Nagini.
Kate Moncrief
Jay Leno’s mother?
Marilyn Manson
France’s McDormand
Tough one. I can’t decide between Iggy Pop and Annie Leibowitz sans glasses.
I’m not sure, but she seems a little scary
Some aging rock star
Alice Cooper
the witch that I thought lived in my basem*nt when I was little
patti smith!! if it isnt it should be.
I don’t know but I love the shape of the left eyelid

A few of the guesses strayed in the direction ofbeing correct:

Jeffrey Tambor in Transparent
Give me a hint … Man or woman? I give up.

But…three of you got it right, including the one of you who felt sheepish in placing your guess:

I kind of feel bad saying this, but Caitlyn Jenner?

Indeed. No need to feel bad. I’m just that good at drawing.

To bring us down the home stretch, I drew this person:

Again, your guesses followed no clear theme.

There was a flurry of enthusiasmfor the idea that I had drawn Drake.

Idris Elba in overalls, apparently.
Joe Manganiello
Alan Iverson I guess
Scarface
obviously I should know this one but I don’t
Dwayne Wade
Michael K. Williams
Diddy?
The guy who was originally on Scandal but got kicked off
Dwyane Wade … Based solely on the tank top
No idea.
Jared Leto
Ummmm…
Ming the merciless
Zayn Malik
Paul Gaugin
Contemplative guy with cornrows
Kanye

Again, some of them made me laugh audibly.

The Black Phantom of the Opera
Corn Row Shakespeare
I’ve never seen this person. Ever.

Including this, my favorite ever guess in Matthew Draws:

spear carrier in an opera

I do not even know what that means. But I love it so much. And now I want to go to an opera.

However, inthe wake of all this glorious guessing, just two…JUST TWO! COME ON PEOPLE…of you correctly identified…

Oh man, is that Omar from the Wire?
Omar Little!

As for my star rating, out of a possible 5, you people gave me a collective 3.375. Do I aspire for greater heights? I do? Am I satisfied for today? You betcha.

And now, for the bonus question/smokebomb, carelessly lobbed by Robbi moments before she ran out of the room:

Please write a rhyming couplet honoring one or all of these fine people.

You fine people certainly didn’t disappoint.

Louis’ humor is the bomb
Ellie’s smile shows her aplomb
Anjelica, tall and divine
Elba’s looking mighty fine.
Dead-eyed stares, dead-eyed stares,
Matthew can’t draw, but no one cares.
Matthew’s drawing merely mars
The flawless faces of the stars.
Ode to Louis CK XIV
My forehead, so high,
Escapes to the skyyyyyyyy
Bill Nighy, certainly not of science guy fame;
Brought the magic to Harry that changed the game.
Louis CK, you made my day
When you called out the Drumpf on his insecurité.
He’s a bully, a meanie, and a narcissist, too,
Who can’t tell the truth from a big pile of poo!
Matthew’s drawings aren’t rad
They’re really, really bad
Matthew Draws is awesome
Because all of the women he draws look like the actress who plays Blossom
Forehead as bright as the light of day
Of all four I only knew Louis C.K.
“Matthew has some chin drawing issues.
I laugh, I cry… Please pass the tissues.
Oh, to be a subject of “Matthew Draws”
One must be willing to see their own flaws
I could win at Powerball
Before correctly guessing these all.
I named Drake in this quiz
But I’m not sure who he is.
I’ve got nothing left.
I’m exhausted and I feel bereft.
Louis CK, whose bald head I’d like to rub
To comfort him for that time that kid pooped in his tub.
Matthew’s drawings are sublime
Not unlike this here rhyme
I feel pretty sure that the first is CK;
The second’s eyeliner won’t give her away;
The third gave me heebies, so onward I moved;
Ending with Omar’s depiction? So rude.

And, just in case you were wondering if Matthew Draws is a global phenomenon,

Recht viel Glück und Judihudi wünsched s’Lineli und s’Trudi.

Apparently, the above isSwiss German. I would so appreciate if some kindly reader would translate. I hate to miss a singledisparaging poem about my drawing acumen.

And that’s that. Sorry for the delay in posting. But here’s the good news. Because I am five days late in posting these answers, you only have to wait two days for the next batch of drawings. See you here on Wednesday, you enlightened army of extremely intelligent people who also love wincing.